Welcome back to my Monday musing... which this week is struggling to stay on the 'musing' side of a rant. But I'm not going to apologise because this is too big, and playing small is over.
How tragic, and yet predictable, that just one week after sharing my 'what if...' musings on International Womens Day, some of the highest trending hashtags are #AllWomen and #NotAllMen.
For those of you who haven't been following the latest news, let me explain.
Sarah Everard, a 33 year old woman went missing while walking through my old neighbourhood in London on 3 March, and has since been declared dead. Murdered. By a police officer.
Her death has sparked a movement to highlight what All Women face in public spaces - that we very often don't feel safe. That very often we are cat-called, followed, harassed, threatened, exposed at and worse. Not just at night. In broad daylight. On crowded streets. On public transport.
And more often than not noone stands up to the offender to point out how frightening, degrading - and wrong - his behaviour is.
When it happens we women simply hope it will stop or we will be able to get away without actually getting hurt. And then we play it down ('it was nothing') tired of it all, tired of not being taken seriously or being accused of being dramatic and making a fuss, or even worse, having learned to accept this as a 'normal' part of being a women.
After Sarah's disappearance police warned women that they should not walk alone on Clapham Common - and women, tired of being told to adjust THEIR behaviour as if it were THEIR fault, organised a vigil. To remember Sarah and to raise awareness of the fact that women always and everywhere are expected to adapt their behaviour so as to not get attacked.
Police officers - colleagues of the man who had killed Sarah - clashed with, and were seen physically restraining these women.
Can it get any more fucked up?
My musings last week suggested that we all adopt more caring, connecting and communicative values in order to create a win-win in our societies and among men and women.
So again, in the light of Sarah's murder, and the fact that women everywhere feel fear when they should not, I ask you to reflect on how the world might look if we honoured caring over power, communication over violence, connecting over winning.
This didn't need to happen. None of it needs to have happened.
Men need to take responsibility for their emotions, their actions, and stop shifting the blame and responsibility onto women. Societies and legal systems need to focus their attention on the only place it can and will make a difference - on the men who are damaged and need help to process their hate and anger, on the men who think this behaviour is acceptable. Good men need to speak up, and act to protect women.
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”― Edmund Burke
I'm sharing the hell out of this story on my Facebook page, so please drop in there and read some of the longer articles being written by some really enlightened thinkers (men and women, professional and simply passionate).
I consider myself lucky in that I can probably count the incidents of harassment or abuse on my fingers and toes (either that, or like so many of us I've 'normalised' the 'harmless' comments I've received over the years and let them pass as 'banter'). The number of times I've felt unsafe and have adapted my behaviour though, simply because it's the norm for this kind of thing to happen, is countless.
My heart breaks for Sarah, her family and her friends. My heart breaks for all the women who have suffered and continue to do so. My heart breaks for the fact that this isn't the first time we've talked about this. Let this be the last.
Women - please share with the men in your life what you need them to do to make you - and all women - feel safe.
Men - ask your women what they need. And when you witness harassment, abuse or intimidating behaviour, don't facilitate its continuation by simply standing by. Stand up, speak out and act.
Parents - educate your sons to question and call out any inappropriate behaviour they see among their friends, at school or on the streets. And tell your daughters to ALWAYS speak out about any kind of behaviour that makes them feel unsafe and let them know they will be heard.
Read 'Cassandra Speaks' by Elizabeth Lesser. In a world that values care-taking, connection and communication, none of this will happen again.
My love to you all,